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Discussion Board > "stepfather" to overbearing.. what to do?

my boyfriend of 7yrs has been living with me for the past 3yrs. I have weekly rotating custody of my 13yr old and 11yr old sons. My 11yr old has been with me more full time only recently going to his dad's house for the weekend every other weekend due to issues with his dad's live in fiancee'. Anyhow, my boyfriend gets way too nit picky with my boys. He freaks out if they leave a sock out occasionally when they get home and take their shoes off in the living room (he works afternoon shift so he isnt home then finds the sock when he gets home), The boys aren't allowed to use our bathroom even if they are hanging out in my room with me watching tv..they have to go down the hall. If he finds out they used the bathroom by someone slipping up and saying something about it he freaks out yelling etc. If my son plays the xbox and doesn't take the cd out and put it in the box and line up all the boxes.. he flies off the handle yelling etc. I told him he needs to pick his battles. these are issues that really arent that important. remind them again or let them know 'hey you forgot your sock, come get it please' etc but he can't do it like that he has to be critical and angry. no wonder my kids dont connect with him and dont want to listen to him. his rules are rediculous. ive tried talking to him and he just says he is going to stay out of it from now on but then he just ends up coming to me with the issues and nagging to me about it if the sock is forgotten on the floor. he comes to me saying stuff like can you tell the kids to do this or that. how can i get him to be more understanding and relax a little bit? theyre teens theyre going to be lax sometimes and he is driving a wedge between him and the kids and him and i with all this drama all the time. i just dont know how to make him understand.

February 26, 2011 | Registered Commentercandace liljedahl

Greetings from Puerto Rico! My english is not all that polished but i'll try to be as clear as i can. :) Well, first of all... im 18, so my comments may be afected still by my stage of "inmatureness" and lack of experience (teenagers stages). Ok. Let me tell you this... if i were one your kids i would finally felt so dissapointed and angry that i have to take s**t from a man thats not even my dad and not only that but my mom does very little to set permanent bounderies. Yelling!!! seriously...that's not his job, it's yours. C'mon this sounds like domestic violence right here...GET REAL. That man has real issues. You need a family therapist and fast. The kids are almost teenagers and they are on the verge of either behaving like the average teenagers or rebel (hard) against you. I hope you dont take this the wrong way... Good Luck!

February 26, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSoul

As a father and a step-father there are many times that being one has not been easy. This is not about being a step-father but being a parent. If you as the mom feel that the man that you are in a relationship with a man that helps with the kids, then you must set boundries as to what his role is to be. Keep in mind that if he lives with you and pays part of the bills then he can have some expectations for how the home is treated.

My wife and I don't see eye to eye on the teaching of responsibility and what age it should be taught. We have had to work out compromises such as me needing to lightening up and her to toughen up with the kids. Both must be willing to accept the need to change and respect the other. You are not married to this man so that would not qualify his for the position of "step-father" and would lead me to want to ask several questions but I will only ask one. If you think his rules are ridicules and your not supportive of his parenting why are you still with him? when you have that answer then you must decide if it is the right one.

February 26, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLenny

As a child, I've had experiences of my father doing something similar. He flips out when I leave my socks on the floor of my room and complains that it's "dirty"/messy and uncomfortable to walk through my bedroom (only access to the washing room happened to be through that room). I've had the urge to tell him straight to his face that it's not as important as he keeps making it out to be, but didn't.

I have to agree with how the "stepfather" or person who seems likely to become one needs to pick his battles. I feel that you should get him to understand that what he sees as important will not be as important to somebody else. While I've tried to get my father to somewhat understand, I was... well... >_>l| saying it as something cryptic such as... "you know, you should take the advice given to children that if you cry all the time people will just ignore you" when complaining about his excessive complaints, while he was furious with what I was doing. What I found amusing at that time was how he was also pushing his "get your priorities straight" talk around that time too.

February 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNameless

Well, the sock thing would drive me crazy too. I can't stand peoples dirty socks laying around, I mean how hard is it to put them in the proper place. My husband still can't seem to figure it out, if they want a happy mate as adults there are certan things that nee to be learned. The kids should be able to do that task by the time they are 5.

As far as the bathroom thing that is ridiculous, those are your boys and it is their mothers home, that man is not their father and unless they have some serious aiming problems there should be no reason they cannot use your toilet if they are in that room visiting.

If I was a teenager and some man who was not even my father tried to get ruse with me I would probably give him the finger and go back to my other parents home. The man is not even a step dad, he is just a live in boyfriend. One who sounds like a A$$ as well. Those kids are the mothers children not his, she should set the standards for what is acceptable behavior, not a boyfriend.

March 5, 2011 | Unregistered Commentersuper mama

I dont think there is anything wrong with wanting a tidy house & I know kids can be awful messy & inconsiderate at times. I bet your boyfriend doesnt have kids of his own? He doesnt sound like he has any clue how to deal with kids.

I just really wonder why you are with this man. The fact that he flies off the handle & gets so angry, so easily is a red flag to me. He must be making your life miserable, especially at a happy time when you have your sons at home.

May 23, 2011 | Registered CommenterCatherine Catherine

Wow! That story could be my own... Only my son is 18 and my daughter s 8. My partner goes ape at my son and even when te boy does everything asked of him, my partner will find something to go ape about; yelling t me and storming off if I disagree.
I love my oartner dearly. He is superb with my girl, but my son hides in his room and has real emotional issues now. He has threatened suicde twice.
My partner may one day be repaced. Maybe not...I am nearing 50. He is my best friend and when my son is not around, we never fight. But my children are my greatest love and my responsibility is to be their advocate in life and for life. They cannot be replaced... Ever.
So yes, my partner has been asked to leave. i am sad to see my family break up yet again and will miss his companionship and love dearly.
Life is never easy... For parent, kids or step parent. For parents who choose the partner over the kids though.... They inevitably loose both.

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterC

Sorry you are sad that your family has broken down,but it was a wise decision and your family have not broken down,you have become a safer happier unit.I cudn't describe someone who treats my child badly my 'best friend'.He has issues with your son as a young male and needs to address this. My husband is too picky and negative,in particular with my 8 year old daughter which does appear bullying as he is less confrontational with my sons.He will have to go as life is becoming a battleground and I cannot support his unhealthy interactions with my children.It is sad though,and if I had predicted the changes over the last 2 years I would not have chosen to have a relationship with this man.

March 25, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTrisha